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* A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

* Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

* Phone conversations last 30 seconds

* Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight

* When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying

* We can leave a hotel room bed unmade.

* The garage is all ours

* We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

* We never have to clean the toilet.

* We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

* If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.

* Our underwear costs $6.50 for a pack of 3.

* We don't have to shave below our neck.

* If we're 34 and single, no one notices.

* Where and when we pee doesn't effect our emotional well-being.

* We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

. * We never have to worry about other's feelings.

* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

* We can say anything and not worry about what people think.

* We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.

* We don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice our new haircut.

* We can watch a game in silence for hours without our buddy thinking "He must be mad at me."

* One mood, all the time.

* Wedding dress; $2000, Tux rental; 100 bucks.

* We don't care if someone is talking behind our back.

* We don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.

* If we retain water, it is in a canteen.

* The remote is all ours.

* We need not pretend we're "freshening up" to use the bathroom.

. * If we don't call our buddy when we said we would, he won't tell our friends I've changed.

* If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we might become lifelong buddies.

* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.



"Family life is too intimate to be preserved by the spirit of justice. It can be sustained by a spirit of love which goes beyond justice." --Reinhold Niebuhr

"A happy family is but an earlier heaven." --John Bowring

"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a kint when a hint isn't intended." --Robert Frost

Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world -- making the most of one's best. --Harry Emerson Fosdick



Question: Why do things appear darker when they're wet?

Answer: Grab a white shirt, dip it in water, and voila, it turns gray right before your very eyes. If we hadn't all seen it much too often it would make for an impressive magic trick. Since we have, it's an excellent trivia question. What causes this optical transformation is simple science. When fabric gets wet, light coming towards it refracts within the water, dispersing the light. In addition, the surface of the water causes incoherent light scattering. The combination of these two effects causes less light to reflect to your eyes and makes the wet fabric appear darker.

Question: Why doesn't drinking water cool your mouth after eating spicy food?

Answer: The spices in most of the hot foods that we eat are oily, and, like your elementary school science teacher taught you, oil and water don't mix. In this case, the water just rolls over the oily spices. So what can you do to calm your aching tongue? Try one of these three methods. Eat bread. The bread will absorb the oily spices. A second solution is to drink milk. Milk contains a substance called "casein" which will bind to the spices and carry them away. Finally, you could drink something alcoholic. Alcohol will dissolve the oily spices.

Question: They weren't invented in France, so why does everybody call them "French fries?"

Answer: It's true, the French fry wasn't invented in France. (Its origin is probably Belgian.) But the "French" in French fries doesn't refer to its country of origin. It refers to the way in which this side dish is prepared. Food that is cut into strips is said to be "Frenched." Since French fries are strips of potato that have been fried, they became known as French fried potatoes, or "French fries."

Question: How do astronauts go to the bathroom?

Answer: Thanks to gravity, we here on earth take going to the bathroom for granted, but using the toilet in space isn't nearly as easy. For a long time, says NASA, astronauts actually taped a plastic bag to their backsides to collect feces and used a hose-and-bag device to urinate. Then, in the early 70s, NASA improved bathroom technology with its vacuum toilet. To defecate, astronauts now sit on this toilet and turn the vacuum on. Urination is done through what looks like your vacuum cleaner's hose attachment. Using this toilet is a bit tricky, so part of the preparation for space travel includes potty training, but it sure beats the old bag system.

Question: Why is it called a "hamburger" if it doesn't contain ham?

Answer: At first glance, it seems that the word "hamburger" is a combination of the words "ham" and "burger." Therefore, one naturally assumes that a hamburger is a burger that contains ham. But the word "hamburger" actually traces its roots back to Hamburg Germany, where people used to eat a similar food called the "Hamburg steak." Eventually, the Hamburg steak made its way to the United States, where people shortened its name to "hamburger."

Question: Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?

Answer: Nah. But when they were first introduced, people wouldn't touch hot dogs for fear that they were made of dogs. (More in the next question.)

Question: How'd the hot dog get its strange name?

Answer: The hot dog was originally called "frankfurter" after Frankfurt, Germany, its birthplace. But from the beginning people called it "dachshund sausage," because it looked like the long, thin dog. In the US, the German sausage was especially popular with New York baseball fans, who bought the newfangled sandwich from vendors who sold them by yelling, "Get your dachshund sausages while they're red hot." Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, thought these vendors were so comical, that he decided to lampoon them. In his cartoon, they were shown selling REAL dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling "Get your hot dogs!" at each other. The name stuck, and the rest is history.



Mark Twain once said that at the age of fourteen, he was convinced that his parents were among the stupidest people on the face of the earth. When he reached twenty-one, he was amazed at how much they had learned in only seven short years.



December 26, 1898 Scientists Pierre and Marie Curie made public their discovery of radium. Radium is a silvery white metal that does not occur free in nature. Due to its radioactive properties, radium was originally used in medicine in the treatment of cancer, until less costly and more powerful alternatives were devised.




What Wine With Which Food


Shell Fish: Fume Blanc

Salmon Grilled: Pinot Noir

Salmon Paoched: Chardonnay

White Fish with seasoned Sauce: Semillon

White Fish with Light Sauce: Chenin Blanc

Trout, Freshwater Fish: Chenin Blanc/Fume Blanc/Grenache Rose


Chops: Zinfandel

Roasted or Grilled: Cabernet Sauvignon


Beef Roast or Steak: Cabernet Sauvignon/Merlot

Beef with Brown or Red Sauce: Zinfandel

Grilled Veal: Pinot Noir

Roasted Veal: Semillon

Veal in Cream Sauce: Chardonnay


Roasted: Pinot Noir

Chops: Zinfandel

Ham: White Zinfandel/Grenache Rose


Grilled: Fume Blanc

Roasted: or with Cabernet Sauvignon/

Brown Sauce: Carignane

Chicken in Cream Sauce: Chardonnay


Strong Flavored, Sharp: Zinfandel

(Blue Cheese,: Cabernet Sauvignon

Sharp Cheddar): Petite Sirah

Soft, Mild: White Zinfandel

(Monterey Jack, Dofino): Chardonnay

Creamy Dessert with Fruit: Muscar Canelli,

(Brie, Camembert): Late Harvest


No Kidding! :Cabernet Sauvignon



Top 16 List why it's great being Lebanese*: > > > 16. The best bullshitters. > 15. Ski in the winter, swim in the summer, get stuck in traffic all year > round! > 14. We get to have a civil war once every 30 years just in time when it > gets boring. > 13. Fairouz! > 12. Lebanese? Arab? Phoenician? Greek? Martian? > 11. Who needs Beverly Hills? We have Kaslique" and "Verdun"! > 10. Official "Old Mercedes Retirement Home". > 9. Hummos! Tabbouli! Baba Ghannouj! Oh... and Almaza! > 8. Abu El-Abed jokes. > 7. We love all our neighbors and they love us too. > 6. Cell phones 'R Us!!! > 5. Phrases like "ti'burni nshalla" and "shou fi ma fi". > 4. More is better philosophy (Top 10? Leysh habibi?! Top 16 is better!!) > 3. Honest politicians ( Oxymoron ). > 2. We love to live. We live to love. > > And the #1 reason why it's great being > Lebanese : > 1. 68 religions, 3 languages, 2 forms of currency and 1 great people! > >


Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have bankrupted at least two businesses *3 have been arrested for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges *8 have been arrested for shoplifting *21 are current defendants in lawsuits *In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving Can you guess which organization this is? Give up? It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.



Calling In Sick

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.




We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have >> a >> baby, then another. Then we're frustrated that the kids aren't old enough >> and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that >> we have teenagers to deal with. We'll certainly be happy when they're out >> of >> that stage. >> >> We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his >> or >> her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice >> vacation, when we retire. >> >> The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not >> now, >> when? >> >> Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this >> to >> yourself and decide to be happy anyway. >> >> One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a >> long >> time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But >> there >> was >> always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, >> some >> unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. >> >> >> Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were >> my >> life." >> >> This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. >> Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and >> treasure >> it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to >> spend >> your time with...and remember that time waits for no one. >> >> >> So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, >> until >> you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until >> your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until >> you >> get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday >> morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid >> off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you're >> off >> welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until >> you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you're >> born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be >> happy. >> >> Happiness is a journey, not a destination. >> >> Thought for the day: >> Work like you don't need money, >> Love like you've never been hurt, >> And dance like no one's watching. >> >> >> An Angel To Watch over You >> Some people come into our lives and quickly go.. >> Some people become friends and stay a while.. leaving beautiful >> footprints on our hearts and we are never quite the same because we have >> made a good friend!! >> >> >> Yesterday is history. >> Tomorrow a mystery. >> Today is a gift. >> That's why it's called the present! >> >> I think this is special..... >> live and savor every moment..... >> this is not a dress rehearsal!




Your morning Chinese proverb: Those who do not read are no better off than those who cannot.


Positive Saying Of The Day: Goodness is a special kind of truth and beauty. It is truth and beauty in human behavior.

H. A. Overstreet

Don't go for wealth - it can deceive

Don't be hung up on looks - they will fade away.

Go for someone who makes you smile,

because only a smile makes a dark day bright.

Click On the Moving Ducks Line To Hear: Hit The Road Jack


Saint Patrick's Festival

Saint Patrick


An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity. - Winston Churchill


How To Cut And Light Your Cigar : Cigars 101: Cutting and Lighting -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last issue we inaugurated our Cigar 101 series with a rundown of the myriad shapes, shades and sizes that make up the world of cigars. The next step on the road to aficionado status? Mastering a few simple but invaluable techniques for cutting and lighting. Preparing to smoke a cigar can be a wonderful experience in itself. You will be spending quality time with a quality product, and it will be to your benefit to reflect upon its creation before lighting up. Unlike cigarettes, you do not simply pull out a cigar, light the tip and start puffing. First of all, almost every premium cigar has a closed head that must be cut before you can begin to smoke. Also, you would do well to use something other than a paper match for your source of ignition. There are several ways to cut a cigar, the best being what suits the individual. However, there is only one way to effectively light a cigar. CUTTING YOUR CIGAR Watch the actors in old movies and you'll see that there are a host of ways to open the closed end of a cigar before smoking it. Some characters used a pocket knife to cut a neat V-shaped notch. Others used horseshoe nails as piercers. Certain film stars in tough-guy roles bit off the end and spat it out. Some people today still use these methods but, for the most part, cutting cigars has become a bit less colorful, and a bit more elegant. The better the cigars you smoke, the more attention you'll want to pay to the cut. A bad cut will ruin a cigar. The object of the cut is to create an ample, smooth opening for smoking without damaging the cigar's structure. With most cigars, this means cutting away part of the cap or flag leaf that closes the cigar, while leaving some of it glued around the end to keep the filler leaves together. If you are making a wedge cut or a bull's-eye cut, it means not penetrating too deeply into the cigar. You want to create a large, exposed surface of cleanly cut filler leaves that will allow equal draw from the core and the rim of the cigar. On most cigars, you'll want to make the cut about one-sixteenth of an inch (about two millimeters) from the end. When you aren't carrying a precision measuring device, you can simply look for the shoulder--the place where the curved end of the cigar starts to straighten out--and make your cut there. Another alternative is to make a V-shaped wedge cut in the end of the cigar. This style of cut exposes a lot of surface area and makes it easy to draw smoke through the cigar. Unfortunately, the draw is sometimes too good, and the cigar will smoke too hot. Wedge cuts are a particularly bad idea for people who tend to chew their cigars. If they chomp down hard enough while the wedge is horizontal, the opening may collapse and tear the structure of the cigar, closing off the draw. Cutting Tools There are a number of devices that will help you cut your cigar in a single, swift motion that minimizes the chances of tearing the wrapper. Many aficionados have several cutters, from compact wafer-thin cutters that nestle in a pocket to more massive cutters that are less likely to be misplaced. Suggested strategy: buy yourself your first cutter and drop gift hints for the rest. Engraved initials make sure that valuable cutters find their way back to you after they have been borrowed. Of course, you already have a set of cutters: your teeth. But there are a few drawbacks to the biting method. First, it's hard to see what you're doing. Second, your teeth aren't as sharp as a cutter's razor blade. And third, you end up with an unsightly wad of tobacco in your mouth. Knives, on the other hand, are easy to keep sharp. But it takes great skill and very steady eyes and hands to cut cigars properly with a knife. If you do choose this method, you'll want to avoid cleansing your pocketknife with oils, which may pollute your cigar. Piercers, sometimes called lances, are intriguing, but hard to use. If a cigar is pierced too deeply, a tunnel may form that causes the center of the cigar to burn too hot. Moreover, the area opened by piercing has two drawbacks: 1) the smoker may not get the even draw that would give him or her the full benefit of all the different leaves blended into the bunch in the cigar; 2) since tars and nicotine tend to accumulate at the openings that channel the smoke, the small hole produced by a piercer will likely concentrate these nasty substances even further, sending more of them into the smoker's mouth and air passages. Double- and single-bladed cutters, scissors and desk-top devices are designed to make a cut across the end of the cigar. These are generally the best options. When you are using a single-bladed cutter, the cigar should be placed against the far side of the opening--away from the blade--and the blade brought down to touch the cigar before you make the cutting stroke. This keeps the cigar properly positioned, and prevents motion that might lead to tearing or to the cut happening in the wrong place. Once the cigar is in position, cut boldly, using swift, even pressure. A true aficionado cuts like a surgeon: quickly and confidently. With single-bladed cutters it's important to make sure the compartment that sheaths the blade doesn't fill up with bits of tobacco. This will gum up the works and impede quick, clean cuts. All cutters should be kept as sharp as possible. Note that it is more difficult to sharpen some of the smaller, more intricate cutters. The advantage of double-bladed cutters is that the cutting proceeds from both sides simultaneously. There is less chance that the cigar wrapper will be torn as it's pushed against a dull surface. Again, the technique is to rest the cigar against a blade before clicking the cutter shut. Special cigar-cutting scissors can make extremely clean cuts and are an elegant accessory, but they must be wielded with some care. The fit and balance of cigar scissors is important and as unique to an individual as those of golf clubs. Try a pair out before investing in them. They should balance easily in one hand so that you'll be able to hold them steady through the cutting motion while you hold a cigar in the other hand. If the handles and blades don't balance with each other when you hold them, the scissors aren't for you. Also, if the hinge is placed so that you cannot move your fingers without stretching past your hand's normal span, then try another pair. It's worth investing in a good cutter. Remember that a bad cut will ruin a good cigar, and it doesn't take a lot of ruined cigars to add up to the cost of even a very elegant cutter. HOW TO LIGHT A CIGAR Lighting a cigar is not like lighting the tip of a cigarette or the wick of a candle--it takes longer. Light your cigar the same way you would toast a marshmallow over a campfire--keep the cigar above and near the flame, but don't let them touch. Burning a cigar directly in a flame makes it too hot. And, as with a marshmallow, you'll want to rotate the cigar so all parts of its tip are equally heated. Be patient, and keep at it until there's a glowing ring all the way around the cigar's tip. Once the cigar is lit, gently blow on the embers to create a smooth, completely rounded ash. Then, raise the unlit end of the cigar to your mouth and take the first puff. The question is, which way to puff? Many aficionados blow the first puff out through the cigar in order to avoid unsavory flavors such as sulfur from matches or gasses from lighters. No one, of course, should ever apply more than one outward puff. To Relight, or Not to Relight Some purists think that it's shameful to ever have to relight a cigar. Realistically, even the best cigars will go out on those occasions when the conversation becomes so absorbing that you forget to take a puff for a couple of minutes. It's no worse to have to relight a cigar than it is to have to fish a bit of cork out of a fine glass of wine. It will generally take you less time to relight an already-warm cigar than it does to light one for the first time. Do not, however, intentionally let your cigar die out and then relight it the next day. This will lead to stale, harsh flavors that will ruin your fine memories of the first few puffs. If you have to relight a cigar several times, you may have a badly rolled cigar. Premium cigars are made by hand, not by machine, and they are made from organic materials that retain much of their natural, irregular structure and character. Despite dedicated quality control efforts, a substandard cigar occasionally makes its way to the market. Don't hesitate to bring a badly rolled cigar back to your tobacconist. Most will happily replace it. Choosing Your Flame Never light a cigar with a flame from a source that will alter the essence of your cigar. Using a candle, for example, is a temptingly theatrical gesture, but the burning candlewax can add an odd flavor to your cigar. So can the fluid from an isobutane cigarette lighter. Many smokers also object to the sulfur used in most match tips. If you insist on using a candle or a fluid lighter, use it to light a strip of cedar, called a spill, and use that to light the cigar. If you insist on matches, try to get extra-long, wooden sulfurless ones. If you can't find them and are using regular, short matches, be prepared to use a number of them. Be sure to let the sulfur burn off before starting the lighting process and try lighting two at a time, so you get a broader flame. Cigar lighters are the easiest way to get an even light. What makes a lighter a cigar lighter? A cigar lighter uses odorless gas, and often "fatter" flame, or even two adjacent flame sources, and adjustable flame heights. Cigar lighters come in a wide range of designs and materials, so it will be easy to find one that's an appropriate accessory for your sense of style. Your first requirement should, of course, be performance. A good lighter, like a good pen, should fit your hand. The cap should open easily, and swing back so the whole flame is available for lighting. * -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Return to this Issue's Contents Copyright 1999 Cigar Aficionado. All Rights Reserved.



Interesting Facts:

Why do dimes, quarters and half dollars have notched edges, while pennies and nickels do not? The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave. ______________________ Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left? When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained. _________________ Why do Xs at the end of a letter signify kisses? In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write. Documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous. ______________________ Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"? In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would pass the buck" to the next player. ____________________ Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast? It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then touch -- or clink -- the host's glass with his own. ___________________ Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"? Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime in an oxyhydrogen flame that produced a brilliant light. In the theater, performers on stage in the ''limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention. _____________________ Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for help? This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning "help me" - and is pronounced "mayday." (Note: not exactly.... it's pronounced "med-ay", but close enough) ____________________ Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"? Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares. ___________________ Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"? In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called l'oeuf, which is French for "egg". When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love," ____________________ Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs? Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense, orange clay called pygg. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became know as "pygg banks" When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on here!



WEIRD LOCAL USA SEX LAWS No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you--or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. [Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes sense... -psl] In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses." In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. [Not to be confused with the myth about "rule of thumb"'s origin-psl] In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.) In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment. Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor. In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife. In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).



Money... It can buy you a House But not a Home It can buy you a Bed But not Sleep It can buy you a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying! I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A truer Friend than me you will never find. CASH ONLY, PLEASE.



Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise. --Maya Angelou

When you blame others, you give up your power to change. --Dr. Robert Anthony


Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ( I dispute this one .. I say Mother's Day )

Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

Did you know... The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women; but women can hear & smell better.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

That San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. " I do. " is the longest

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole 9 yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each Gallon of diesel that it burns.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey"), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down").


Home Repair Tip of the Day Thursday September 6, 2001 What's A Ton? In heating- and air-conditioning jargon a "ton" refers to the cooling capacity of the equipment, or the cooling effect from melting a one-ton block of ice in 24 hours. Heating and cooling energy is also measured in BTUs. One BTU is the amount of heat energy required to raise the temperature of 1 pound of water 1 degree F. Got that? Well, here's one more. One ton of cooling is equal to about 12,000 BTU's. The amount of cooling required depends on many variables, but here is a rule of thumb that will let you know if you are in the ballpark. In general a 12,000 BTU air conditioner will handle about 550 sq. ft. in a building. Sounds like a math problem to me! - Stephen Corwin


Blessed Virgin Mary

Born: unknown; celebrated September 8

Died at age 48: assumed; celebrated August 15 -

Canonized: the day she was assumed

Feast Day: July 16



Presidents: Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a
"0" at the end. Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.
1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (dies in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000: George W. Bush ????????????
And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to
be the one elected in 2000.
You might also be interested in this.
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker.......
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.